Monday, December 29, 2008

I seem to always be dizzy. On a ride, excited, yet highly dreading it at the same time. Wishing I could just shut everything down. Just wait for the right time, wait until I'm ready. I keep pushing, like running up a hill, you are dizzy, sick, tired... feel like you really can't push anymore, but you do. When your finished you're too tired to be proud or to look back at all. Sometimes you do just give up, then years later you find that it's still on your plate, that no one is going to rid you of the pain it carries. The people you love leave, the ones who leave progressively cause the most tears, indeed, but not the most pain.

You start to appreciate things, tend to not care that no one will hear that song you wrote or the words that you make. You find someone worth friendship and loose people you guessed were worth your time. You learn that your brain is wired differently, but yet you never cease to stop wishing for the person that will understand and be intrigued.

The end comes near and you don't really give anymore, empty words tend to come out of your mouth. You want nothing more than to be content, but often you find that being crazy was your last option. Your dreams stay the same while your conscious mind tries to trick you out of them. Your split personality starts to nip at your ankles until you swat it hard enough. It will be back by dinner.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

key words.

Eventually things pull together.
thats all I have to say.

Check er out.

(she's the diggity poo)

Monday, December 15, 2008

How could I not recall who I talked to?
I’d been waiting for that dialogue long before you could have contemplated.
You’re wearing me down; I don't even use my soul anymore.
I don’t want to go back on stage and smile, but damn I can’t frown.
I used to fly I think, but I have no Idea why it was so nice.
I am taking off, I took off, why am I still durable here?
Where did it go, it disappeared?
A fine place to live, sure, I've got that.
How can each person be in motion right now? I can't believe what I see,
so boring, the world moved on without me.
I ate my dreams away; I worried myself to sleep perpetually.
I use so many exterior words, where is my connection. I am kind of fed up with how, who, why isn't this about you? Why don't I feel captivating in this enchantingly dark place?
Is it bad that I can't think of anything worth saying?

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Treasure map.

It's like finding the pieces to a tresaure map, one piece might be small, and you might still seem out of hope after you recieve it, but then you find this HUGE piece. You know it must be almost half. Your excited. You suddendly have more hope than ever before. You love that one piece the most. It is the most treasurable to you. You love it so much it seems like the treasure itself, but don't get destracted by it. There is still the other parts. The parts that make that one piece so magical. Remember that once you find the rest of the map, that one piece won't be the world to you anymore. Don't forget that once you have found that the map led you to your treasure, the map will only be a memorable piece of paper. Almost like a picture. It won't be your everything anymore. Just like the people now. This family, they had to leave. I'm not a huge piece of there map, but a decent size chunk.. They have to move on to there next piece, as do I. Though they played a giant roll in my map, and I love them dearly, more than the pieces of the map that are nearly invisible to me now, sooner or later, they will just be a big part of a bigger picture. A memory. This is okay, there is no reason to be upset. Sooner or later it will all make since. I'll be sitting with my life treasures and then.. boom... life won't matter anymore. I'll die. I'll leave this earth. All that has happend will be finished for me. I will start a new life, have a new destany, and appriate but not grasp on to who you've been to me.
I love you, but I want you to make the best of yourself. Your doing the right thing, your a HUGE part of my life, and I hope I've helped you half as much as you have directed me to confidence and dreams, the layer of my life at the current time. Thank you for being my favorite part of the map and letting me make a real best friend along the way.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

sail over the stars

My desire to be in love with you, my desire to be comfortable. It has came true. But My stronger desire to flow with the moon and the skyline has forced me to let go of any reality that was holding my dream together for us. I'm not sorry nor will I be when I'm alone following the moon to a wonderful place behind the sea's tucks and cubbyholes. I will find the end of the new year.. I will sail over the stars on a magical whim. Dancing unmeaningfully.

Sunday, June 15, 2008


You can start out pondering one thing, being inspired, thinking, this is my type. This is where I fit in and clash with innocence… This is going to be great and… subdued.

You are in a completely different place. Another state of being, mind. Your memories are no longer real, though you long for them with the pit of your stomach, with that gauzy feather-like place some where under your skin between your eyes. You want to grasp them, no feeling within can illustrate how much you long for them, need them.

In a book I just read today, a character said this “it’s like a song, that you will never hear again. Your favorite song.” I could say it no different nor could I say it in a better way, for when you start to put behind you what you‘ve unintentionally lost, that song, it bites and kicks inside, begging for your attention, you need it and it needs you. You have it.., until a noise, until you notice, until a remark in some part of you brain, until you come back to revisit…except for when you need it most…except when you try. But if your soul finally says goodbye…there it is, kicking and screaming in the calmest way. It’s a tantrum for you, a peaceful tantrum.

Monday, June 02, 2008


When you are wearing everything in life as an accessory, and put the sturdiest things on as shields, the things you control completely, things aren't supposed to hurt.

But what if wings where only an accessory in the beginning. and now.. they're my tool to freedom. A real part of my soul, and a huge enjoyment.

Well I lost my accessory, the most important one, the one I was so spoiled by, the one that taught me the most about success and freedom... About expression and self-worthiness.

So while the clouds hang waiting for miss scarlet to tickle them by zooming through the dew, I'll be setting here.. staring at them... missing the feeling of wet hair on my back and wind giving me goose bumps. I'll be looking up at them wishing that I could drift through them again and forget about the world, but without my wings, the best I have is memories.

I hope they understand why I don't whip through them and close my eyes feeling there happiness rapping around me anymore. I hope that they know I long for them just as much as they long for my smile, and I hope they know, I'll try to recruit someone who can love them as much as I did.

Hard to believe anyone could love them more than I do..did...I do.

I can't believe its happening.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Dear fatuous person,

I hate how such a dull, stupid person can just come and take things they don't even mean to. How someone unable to adapt to their circumstances, can dig deep without even meaning too. How they can make me think I'm going mad over something I own, and how they don't know that I like to keep the boat in the ocean. My boat, your ocean. You'll never own my boat, just like I'll never own your ocean. I love my boat more than I love the ocean or the land. I love my boat more than I love the planet, take one small thing when you have the ocean? I don't think so, because you have no control, when I am the eye of the storm. You officially have every right to stand still, because after all, you don't have near as much control as you think.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Cry in a rainstorm because you’re happy. Eat a banana because you are craving an orange. Laugh when it hurts. Sigh because you are hyper. Listen to techno because your craving folk. Play guitar because your annoyed. Walk because you wanna run. Run because you can fly. Find someone like you because you don’t think your like anyone else. Kiss the (FACE) cheek because you miss lips. Rewind forward?

I’m into that.

Just do that smile again.

Forget about the things surrounding you, think about the cold chills. You want to cry, Hold it back, later we are going to laugh. Take his hand, forget all the wrong in anything and dance like the end of the world is coming.

Regret is for past.
Love is for now.
Forget is for the future.

Broken isn’t in your category. Laugh it off, be tuff. ;)

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Theres this thing. Called history. Yeah, so check this..I'm the big shot that can change history and I'm going to.

Okay your right. I full of ...balogna. But dosn't it sound nice?

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Peace princess..

I felt correct placement. No need to be alone. I finally was free. The breeze finally caught my hair and the sun made me glow. I was a princess, a unique (not so royal) princess. Elegant but flaw full. And not to elegant. Just enough.

I brought out the good in everyone and cried only to God. I matched my settings but stood out enough to be noticed from blocks. I liked being alone, but not isolated.

The princess is coming back and would be delighted to go unnoticed.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

In my life, there's "me" and then there's my shell.

And while the "me" part should be the most important, I gather happiness in my shell before I allow it to get to "me."

My shell holds all the things I have not yet came completely vulnerable to, as well as things that I have been vulnerable to and decided/was-pushed to re-evaluate the objectives of that/those plural noun(s).

My shell is my life. My "me" is my soul.
Though things are turning out for "me"..
My shell is looking ruff.

I know that there are places that have been worn over time in my shell.
Some of those places have let me become vulnerable to things that normally I'd learn to scold at bitterly...

I am learning to deal. "me" is growing. Learning. Shell is suffering and needs to be rebuilt. So now I'll transfer to the outside and look in. Now I will search as I can and learn from plural noun(s). I will be extremely vulnerable, but I must rebuild my shell. I must start over again.

I will still have the past. I will still reminisce, I will build slightly onto what I have learned...But I will toss my old shell. And I will make a new one that is stronger and shelters me more. I will find one that may not shine with natural beauty but can be painted over time to become interchangeable. I will sit in my filth for one more day, and then move on.

My shell is bruised but me???
I'm just dandy.

(I'm not loosing my shell to damage, I'm building a new shell for improvement.)

Friday, March 28, 2008

wanna trespass?

So it seemed a lot more complex(and maybe it even was) when it hit me, but today I realized... EVERYBODY has there own little world and they have it EVERYWHERE. (yep, I saw it in walmart..everyone feeling different you know??)

My dad was stopped by some old wrinkly people today at walmart..and they exchanged memories and thoughts about many different things, and I noticed...It really brought them back to that place and time...even to events they hadn't actually even witnessed. (of course I was observing this because to me.. these people were just my dads memories in a more wrinkly form maybe..) Every now and then I would dip my feet into there reminiscing pool.. but for the most part.. I just thought. Thought about what was going on..on the surface.

Dipping my feet in everybody's rivers, trying to understand why they were doing what they were doing... Some of the people looked like they had nothing on there minds but the product in hand, while others were involved with the person they were accompanying a bit more. I realized the reason being aware is a good thing when your in a bad mood... That's because everyone has there little town or even big world... but at the same time.. you may walk in there world (or town) sometime... and at the same time they could possibly walk in yours... and who is to say trespassing has to be bad??

If you want to run through someones field you have to know your limits, you have to hide your spray paint and you have to try love.
Jump on the bus?

Friday, March 14, 2008


I just want to let go. I want to rub dirt in my hair and rub my eyes with the back of my hands.

I want to stretch too much and laugh like I'm evil. I want to scream until I make myself sick and pull grass out of the earth,I'll try and attach it again. I want to rub my face in the dirt and kick rocks. I want to stand up real straight and bark back at the coyotes.

Tonight I want to let the wild out. I don't want to hold back ANYTHING. I can have the most amazing memorable Friday night...All by myself. And it's not gonna be pretty.

Tonight. I. Scream.

I want grit in my basket.

The rain is.. different, rain. Today tears have every right to take place under my eyes forming puddles on my pillow and forcing air out of my lungs as I notice I've now done it, I've now let go, and I know it's real now... But in the different rain I see mud puddles like a little, excited child with new rain boots might.

I'm not looking at the rain and thinking what a dreary day. I see lots of uncomfortable things out of the window, and I want to be a part of it. I'm not worried about the cold or my clothes. I'm not worried about what I might eat later or getting that loverly puncture in my skin to make way for that needle to pierce my vain again, I'm not worried. I just need to be a part of the rain.

I need to run and roll, not worrying about the result of it all. I need to throw mud and make a mess of myself. I need to believe no one is watching. I don't want a nice warm shower waiting for me, I don't want fleece p,j.'s folded up with there newly washed sent. I want to belong with the mud the dirt. The grit is all mine today and I want to be part of it. I want to laugh when no one can hear and scream and not have any idea. I want to wipe tears of my face with a muddy hand and touch every leaf on the tree. I want to lean against the bark and feel the texture of everything.

I'm craving texture and I'm in the need to fill my basket with something different. No more shiny crystals or nice comfy pj's, I wanna fill my basket with grit and make it look used. I want to make it mine and make no one else want it. I want to be alone with the dirt. With the texture. With the grit.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

So I've been told.

That I'm a sarcastic little beast.
That I over-analize everything but what a average girl does.

I've been told I should put more into my human relationships,
Less into things that don't give back...
That is bull.

Relationships and giving back. ha.ha.
I don't believe that way.

God gives...nature. Nature gives off my happiness. I'll give to nature.
I'll give to God. I'll give to everyone. But I won't depend on anyone other than God who gave me nature. I apprishate that.

Dependent on the right things. So if you told me other words. Rethink.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


To be ashamed.
feeling shame. Guilt. Embarrassment. Remorse.
Circle embarrassment.

Thoughts. Feelings that occur. Valued relationships being threatened by a rival.
Circle Rival.

Get over it.
Circle nothing or it won't make sense.

Monday, March 03, 2008


Underestimated words and a breeze that is the least bit tropical,
We're months away from the oceans and we live in the world.
Not as obvious as it used to be, not that it ever was.
I'm actually not oblivious, I notice everything that happens,
I'm only oblivious when it comes to a person. A people. You people.

I carry confidence buried just barley under skin cells,
I'm no longer far from the surface.
Sometimes like claws when we speak, you scratch, even when supporting me.
You dig, not scratch, but as you bring out my confidence, I become confused.
Though you bring it out to the surface you steel it all for yourself.

You make me sick.
You will make me well.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Night, remember the day.

Did you see that?
Summer just passed me.
I felt it.
The excitement stung my chest and shocked my hart.

Inhaled crisp fall air.
It circled me, tickling my back,
straightening my posture,
smile. If only for a moment before a puzzled confused look
sends you to winter.

You dare yourself to jump in the snow,
Your so close and
BOOM. It's gone, you didn't even get to feel it, though as
you enter spring your nose still feels nipped by the cold.

Laughter, and surrounding joy.
You have to smile. Have to.
The bird chirps and you know.

Tuff times pass,
and you have no idea that you still have the night to make it up.

Don't read ahead.

To the person who did not paint my colors,
To the person who did the worst damage to my confidence,
To the person who laughed when I was hurt,
To the person who changed their unfair mind in my soul,
To the person that took my wings away and held me down,
To the person that showed me I over analyzed everything,
To the person that told me what I didn't want to hear,
To the person that figured me out and doesn't even really know it.

To the person who brought out the colors I already had,
To the person who told me the cold, hard truth to help me out,
To the person who taught me to laugh when it stings,
To the person who showed me everything happens for a reason, worst can turn to best,
To the person that made me take the right path, even if it took force,
To the person that showed me how to use my annoying values to my advantage,
To the person that told me things that REALLY changed everything for me,
To the person that taught me, this is who you where meant to be, without a word.

Your my best friend.
I love you buddy.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Together in the end?

You'll teach me and for once,
I'll be okay with that. I'll surrender to that.

I'll forget all the other worlds I was in as you tell me something off subject.
You'll flash that smile and I might laugh.
You'll make brownies that look goofy.

I'll probably push you down a hill.
You'll be freezing,
I'll be quite for a minute as I realize the way snow crunches from under me.
I'll feel heavy, lay down, and roll down the hill.
The wind will chap my face and I'll think of a random Disney character to speak about.

Come up with a mouth full of snow and a pout.
You'll laugh at me and I'll throw a snow ball at you.
I'll play "can't touch me" for weeks, days and hours.

You'll smile.

I'll get the hot chocolate going, and you'll push the chairs by the fire.
Once again I will giggle, but this time halt and look at you.

The fire will crackle and with time I will fall even farther and farther into a trance set by the nature we surround ourselves with.
I'll steal your burdens and feed them to the moon.
Our purity will fill the room.
And our innocence will smile. I think I will too.

because I know more than one way.

One day holding hands in the beginning.

I desire that guarantee feeling I wish I could give to you. I could say-so. I’d verbalize it, “here I am, take it or leave it, the way I do.”

No joke. I won't rupture the way some do and I won't cause discomfort often. I'm fixable with a flower or two and some cool air. It won't take long to get me to smile and I don't need all the rage these worldly days.

On occasions I grow to be more precious though you didn't know I was capable and I will hold my mug and sway back and forth by the fire while you sing the confession of falling to me and I will watch you fingers strum against the strings to you guitar, you’ll teach me, and laugh at me when you start to see I really am musically challenged. I will laugh. I will journal on the floor and cuddle only with my blanket.

Get me?

Out of context.

One headphone. no. NOT headphones.
Head.Phone. one headphone.

I hate how that is all that your good at anymore.
I saw so much more in you than that.
I guess I shouldn't have expected.
Expecting is bad for us all.

Not just some of us. But the PURITY, the excitement of it all.
But then I'm overly frustrated and it all makes perfect since,
I can't leave but I want to leave.

It's not an option but it NEEDS to be...
before I know it though..there I am ..forgiving you.

Eventually, I'll never be done.
Eventually, was a week ago.
You think that I am using my words out of context,
but I mean just what I said.

Hey, maybe I'm out of context today.
You don't get it do you?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Lost in the time, of time, in the lock of the world, in which, I lost time.

You don't understand because your not suppost to. Becasue I don't want you to I suppose. Because it's crazy personal. CRAZY. but I need to get it out, is it out?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The wind kisses me in a way that is peaceful, not seductive

I feel the passion I'm crazy thankful for.

I adore it.

I feel the wind in my hair and the soft grass under my feet. The strong air enters my lungs and I can't help but finding the place that I want to be in life.

It's my real pleasure.

It's great. It's not better, it's best.

It's to good for words, and great for breathing.

Lovely for sprinting. I'm IN love with it, I'm passionate about it, and you can't take it away.


The wind kisses me in a way that is peaceful, not seductive, all I can do is love.

That is what makes me the free spirited kid I am.


Starting its time it runs..loosing its time it becomes more elegant.

Elegance is it's "Thing"

Stubbornness is its pride. Really.

I and my is often how the sentence may start with a creature so fine, finer than the finest silk...Silkier than the softest liquid.

Just like the silk it runs through my fingers, but never lingers through my palms, yet in my soul.

Friday, January 11, 2008


Can you accept this as true? I truthfully got all that done?
Honestly, I can't.

I've pinched myself to make certain I'm not in a dream,
As far as I can distinguish, I'm not.

I mean, two days ago, I was yank the hair out of my head stressed.

I'm happy-go-lucky.

Oh the enchantment of organization.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

in with the out

Everyday I take in environment,
Everyday I gain a little more inspiration when my feet sink in soil.

When I'm in, I carry out all around me. I fill myself up like I I was meant to be solid. The wind is my freedom, the cold, my night.

I thrive on tolerance and freedom, I embrace it with my being, Leave me here, I'll hum and sing while my drapes brush against the very top of the water, I'll sleep and wake as fresh as the beginning, I'm just as much or more without you.

I can move with the wind.


Gold. Soft and strong.

I don't see my reflection,
yet a soft no-numbered girl.

I have no past, not that I want to look back on anyway.
Not that it is bad.. I'm just, simply not interested.

Why would I be? I have all I need surrounding me.

The blades of grass are more pleasant than silk, to feel the grass connects me to the moon and my heart.

The key is in the stars,
to my left, I haven't found it,
I've felt it.

It holds together my being,though I don't know it,
it knows me. I it knows I love it,
though I question it, it searches me.

Solid as I fill.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008


Reveal aspirations to me.
possess it and make it a necessity.
Follow me as I dash through the woodland.
Take off your advantage.

You won't fancy them here.

tell my catal how pleasant they are.
Turn cold to heat.
Heat to spring.
Spring to life.


Mr.sun and value I will grant you.

Don't suppose that you will comprehend or nurture this.
or my me.

Halt my companion.

My feet are sinking into the asphalt.
because I am running into lavender laundry detergent.

Over and OVER again.

Bestow your last drops of pink lemonade.
It hurts your throat anyways.
You should go get your ice water.
shouldn't you?

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Disregarded feeble... you.

I fell and scraped me knee.
It didn’t ache.

I let the iciness numb my body.
I respected it.

I allowed the wind to chap my face.
It reminds me of poca-freaking-haun-isse

You lied.
I have hysterics. You only gave me adrenalin.

You lay there. pitiful.
Get up, I say.

Weak and fragile.

So, I’m sorry.
I didn’t realize it all.

Just. business

You ran away with my wings.
You carried them on your bareback all the way to the slaughterhouse.
Just like the souls you never accepted as true.

You were certain they couldn't feel.
I’m convinced you can't.


Fill in the blank.

Though it will never be complete.
You are blank.

I don't grasp who you are.
Almost certain your me.
Perhaps not the foundation of it all.
but now..I'm holding you accountable.


Ugly freakin' commerce.
I should stop.
But you gave me my license too.


She said.
jfkjdkajfkdja fjkdja fd ak

I said.

He said.

I said.

She said.
ahfdkajfkdjakjfkdj fkdja fkd.

I said.
Let me tell you this.

I hear.

He hears.
Curse words.

I say.


She says.

And I just now noticed..
It was prolly my bad.