Sunday, June 15, 2008


You can start out pondering one thing, being inspired, thinking, this is my type. This is where I fit in and clash with innocence… This is going to be great and… subdued.

You are in a completely different place. Another state of being, mind. Your memories are no longer real, though you long for them with the pit of your stomach, with that gauzy feather-like place some where under your skin between your eyes. You want to grasp them, no feeling within can illustrate how much you long for them, need them.

In a book I just read today, a character said this “it’s like a song, that you will never hear again. Your favorite song.” I could say it no different nor could I say it in a better way, for when you start to put behind you what you‘ve unintentionally lost, that song, it bites and kicks inside, begging for your attention, you need it and it needs you. You have it.., until a noise, until you notice, until a remark in some part of you brain, until you come back to revisit…except for when you need it most…except when you try. But if your soul finally says goodbye…there it is, kicking and screaming in the calmest way. It’s a tantrum for you, a peaceful tantrum.

Monday, June 02, 2008


When you are wearing everything in life as an accessory, and put the sturdiest things on as shields, the things you control completely, things aren't supposed to hurt.

But what if wings where only an accessory in the beginning. and now.. they're my tool to freedom. A real part of my soul, and a huge enjoyment.

Well I lost my accessory, the most important one, the one I was so spoiled by, the one that taught me the most about success and freedom... About expression and self-worthiness.

So while the clouds hang waiting for miss scarlet to tickle them by zooming through the dew, I'll be setting here.. staring at them... missing the feeling of wet hair on my back and wind giving me goose bumps. I'll be looking up at them wishing that I could drift through them again and forget about the world, but without my wings, the best I have is memories.

I hope they understand why I don't whip through them and close my eyes feeling there happiness rapping around me anymore. I hope that they know I long for them just as much as they long for my smile, and I hope they know, I'll try to recruit someone who can love them as much as I did.

Hard to believe anyone could love them more than I do..did...I do.

I can't believe its happening.